Happy Halloweena

Luke is going through his naked phase. He's 3 and wants to be naked all of the time, everywhere he goes. When we're at home he's naked most of the time. He's so comfortable in his own little skin and I love it. I wish I had some of that freedom. I go to the library a couple of times of week. This week I got a book called Halloweena. Luke in all of his naked glory look at me, pointed to his little wee wee and said, "Mom, look at me Halloweena!!! Trick or Treat!!!" Gotta love that boy. He makes me appreciate little things that tend to get lost in my head.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about my body and the changes that it's gone through. Mostly not so good...some good. I have experienced the miracle of carrying 2 healthy children inside of this broken body. I think those were the best experiences of my life, feeling my children stretching and rolling inside of me. Even when it was uncomfortable, it was the best feeling in the world. I was lucky enough for my body to experience breastfeeding one of my children, another amazing experience.

I can think of a hundred things that have contributed to the fatness of my ass but when I type them out or say them out loud, they sound like excuses. Even though I know that certain things have contributed to my weight gain over the years, ultimately it's my fault. I'm going to PT twice a week to heal my back and leg, and exercising daily, while on a diet so I can have gastric bypass to help me get back into shape. Thinking back, I got to a point where I just gave up and let myself go. It's easy to do with physical and mental pain. My self esteem was never the greatest, it got better when I turned 17 and guys really started to pay attention to me. It's sad that I was never to have a good self image without the attention of men. I wonder how many girls grew up that way and how it's influenced our lives.

I've been going to therapy to work out things in my head. The first thing my therapist noticed was that I had zero self worth. I don't know where it comes from. I try to remind my self that I'm deserving, but I don't feel it. Oh, I'd like to, but it's just not happening. It's a shitty feeling to have and I wish it would disappear.

Actually, I haven't been going to therapy for the past few weeks. I haven't had time and I haven't had the mental energy to face more issues. I hate having to drag everything out of my closet and confront it all. It wears on me. I don't have the strength to talk about my absent Dad, alcoholic/drug addict, and mental Mom, the fucker that raped me, my poor self esteem, my dead loved ones, and the rest of the daily bullshit on a weekly basis. Does anyone have time for that and raise 2 kids?

So, right now, I'm living in the moment. Right now my naked little 3 year old wants me to go play Indiana Jones with him on the Wii. Right now my house needs to be cleaned. Right now, I'm telling my skeletons to screw off and let me live a little.