Motherhood = ADHD, Strep, Swine Flu, Stress

My son's ADHD is getting the better of me. I wake up every morning to my child that has been possessed by something that doesn't belong in him. He has no self control, no impulse control. If he wants to rub a stick of butter all over the window he will, he he wants to squirt ketchup all over the kitchen and his brother, he will. If he wants to kick the dog or his brother, he will. Thankfully the dog and his brother fight back, and Thomas is a bit of a whimp when it comes to confrontation, so he backs down. He knows better than to do all of that, but when he's off of his meds he can't control those impulses and things happen before he realizes it. When he's off his meds you can look into his eyes and see that he's not there.

I give him his medicine at 8:15 every morning. It's a drug that slows him down to normal speed. He's been taking it since he was 3 1/2. At the age of 3 he was telling me that he couldn't slow his brain down, and he couldn't. His therapist, doctors, and myself decided to try him on the lowest dose of Vyvanse. I had serious conflict over putting amphetamines into my 3 year old son. He is the youngest patient that his doctor has prescribed that med for and the decision was not made lightly. Over the years we've had to increase his dose as he grew, his BMI changed, and his metabolism changed. He's up to 40 milligrams now and that lasts about 8 hours, enough to get him through the school day. He started on 10mg and that lasted 12 hours. Vyvanse has been wonderful for us. The only side effect he's had is a decrease in his appetite, which turned out to be a good thing because he has trouble controlling his appetite when he's off his meds, which is another symptom of ADHD.

So I called his doctor's office and they told me that I couldn't see his doctor for a month. I broke down in tears, actually bawled. She made found me an appointment for 3 days later. I saw Thomas' doctor and she added a new med and suggested we see a psychiatrist. She told me that she didn't diagnose mental disorders and she wanted to rule everything out. I love her dearly, she's a wonderful doctor, I trust her with my son's life, and that says a lot. While we were there Thomas tested positive for the seasonal flu and H1N1. Luke tested positive for Strep. I stopped by urgent care on the way home and also tested positive for H1N1. I guess that would account for us feeling like complete shit.

Neighbothood Schools vs. Forced Bussing and Segregation

Thanks to yesterday's election out school system is getting ready for a huge change. We've had a "diversity policy" that forces some children to bus across the county to attend school. They've done this to keep a certain percentage of low income (that receive free lunch) children at each school. I don't know the details of the policy, but it's gone on for years. When I was in school I don't think people made a big fuss about it; My schools all happened to be within walking distance to my house.

I did't think a lot about it until I had children. When we bought our home, we chose Garner for the diversity and the fact that it's a nice small town. There's a lot for kids to do...great Rec Department, beautiful parks, and Baseball. I figured my kids would be attending Garner schools. I was dismayed to find out that my son was going to be bussed to a school about 9 miles (20 minutes if you're in a car) away from us when we have an elementary school a little over a half a mile away. Thankfully there was a big reassignment (a big deal around here) and change to some year round schools (yet another issue in these parts) that allowed my son to attend a wonderful year round school a mile and a half away. He rides the bus (a huge Mommy step for me) 10 minutes to school under the care of Mr. Earl the bus driver.

So, the NAACP feels that neighborhood schools = segregation and may pursue a lawsuit against our school system. I'd rather my child attend a neighborhood school. I think that if we go to a neighborhood system that the schools that are in need with have a better chance at getting the help they deserve and children won't have to be bussed across the county. I do wonder what the differences will be in the "white schools" vs. "black schools." I wonder that the social consequences will be if children aren't forced to experience other races. Will it equal racism? I'm not worried about my sons because of the diversity of our town, but what about other kids? Is it that big of a deal that the NAACP needs to be involved?

A Dream Within A Dream

Last night I had a dream about my uncle. I didn't want to wake up, I felt him slipping away from me again. I was so sad, I could feel my heart aching in my dream. Ricky has been gone since I was in high school and it still hurts and I still mourn his passing with sometimes uncontrollable tears. I don't care what God or whoever says, he wasn't here long enough.

In my dream we were together, exploring a huge city. It was wonderful, something we would have done had he still be living. It was a beautiful spring type of day. We ate at a sidewalk cafe and chatted. I could feel his essence. He was infectious...people were drawn to him. When our day was coming to an end he walked me to my bus stop, and made me get on a city bus. I didn't want to go, I was just so sad. I got on the bus and must have fallen asleep because the bus driver woke me up and told me that I had been riding his bus all day long. It was now the evening. In my dream I thought I had be with Ricky all day, only to wake to realize that it had been a dream.

I've never had a dream within a dream. My mind allowed me one special bit of a day with someone I lost. I guess I should feel good, but I have an overwhelming feeling of melancholy. I'm missing my Uncle Ricky.

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

- Edgar Allan Poe

Happy Halloweena

Luke is going through his naked phase. He's 3 and wants to be naked all of the time, everywhere he goes. When we're at home he's naked most of the time. He's so comfortable in his own little skin and I love it. I wish I had some of that freedom. I go to the library a couple of times of week. This week I got a book called Halloweena. Luke in all of his naked glory look at me, pointed to his little wee wee and said, "Mom, look at me Halloweena!!! Trick or Treat!!!" Gotta love that boy. He makes me appreciate little things that tend to get lost in my head.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about my body and the changes that it's gone through. Mostly not so good...some good. I have experienced the miracle of carrying 2 healthy children inside of this broken body. I think those were the best experiences of my life, feeling my children stretching and rolling inside of me. Even when it was uncomfortable, it was the best feeling in the world. I was lucky enough for my body to experience breastfeeding one of my children, another amazing experience.

I can think of a hundred things that have contributed to the fatness of my ass but when I type them out or say them out loud, they sound like excuses. Even though I know that certain things have contributed to my weight gain over the years, ultimately it's my fault. I'm going to PT twice a week to heal my back and leg, and exercising daily, while on a diet so I can have gastric bypass to help me get back into shape. Thinking back, I got to a point where I just gave up and let myself go. It's easy to do with physical and mental pain. My self esteem was never the greatest, it got better when I turned 17 and guys really started to pay attention to me. It's sad that I was never to have a good self image without the attention of men. I wonder how many girls grew up that way and how it's influenced our lives.

I've been going to therapy to work out things in my head. The first thing my therapist noticed was that I had zero self worth. I don't know where it comes from. I try to remind my self that I'm deserving, but I don't feel it. Oh, I'd like to, but it's just not happening. It's a shitty feeling to have and I wish it would disappear.

Actually, I haven't been going to therapy for the past few weeks. I haven't had time and I haven't had the mental energy to face more issues. I hate having to drag everything out of my closet and confront it all. It wears on me. I don't have the strength to talk about my absent Dad, alcoholic/drug addict, and mental Mom, the fucker that raped me, my poor self esteem, my dead loved ones, and the rest of the daily bullshit on a weekly basis. Does anyone have time for that and raise 2 kids?

So, right now, I'm living in the moment. Right now my naked little 3 year old wants me to go play Indiana Jones with him on the Wii. Right now my house needs to be cleaned. Right now, I'm telling my skeletons to screw off and let me live a little.

Gardening on Salvia Part 2

Do people really want to get THIS stoned?

Where Babies Come From

Today Thomas asked me how Mommies and Daddies made babies. I tried to use the "Babies are made from love" answer and it didn't exactly work...I did my best. He's so analytical...He has never really believed in Santa as a real person. Not even when he was 3. He just didn't buy it. I'm glad he's so smart, but man is it a challenge. Here's how the conversation went:


"Mommy, How do Mommies and Daddies made babies?"

"Mommies and Daddies fall in love and they love each other so much that a baby is made."

"Yeah Mom, I know that, but how do they get in the Mommy's tummy?"

"It happens out of of love, honey. When a married man and woman decide to make a family their love grows and makes a baby."

"Mommy, you are silly. So, how does the baby get in the Mommy's tummy. It's not magic."

"It's kind of like magic. A lot of special things have to happen and it's a lot like magic."

"You are kidding me! What happens Mommy?"

(This is where I proceeded to put my foot in my mouth.) "Okay..Every thing in the world is made of tiny cells..."

"Like a Yard Sale?"

"No, it's sounds like Yard Sale, but they are very, very small things that look like dots. The trees, our dog, our fish, the cat, me, you, Granny, Daddy, everything this is made of these special cells."

"Umm...Okay, Do you have a picture?"

"We'll look it up later."

"Okay, Good."

"So, Daddies have special cells and Mommies have special cells and when they decide to put them together they can make a baby and it goes in the Mommy's tummy."

"Hmmm....Do I have special cells?"

"Nope! You get them when you get married."

"Where do you get them from?"

"It's a secret, only married people know. They learn that after they get married."

"Mommy, you're so smart."

Carolina Chocolate Drops sur le TNT Show 170308

I freaking love this. Beatboxing and Banjos....